“Our life is full of brokenness- broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations.”
When growing up your parents or a family member, maybe even a teacher, must have told you at some point in your early life that you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up. I took that saying to heart like most of you had. I wanted to be a best-selling novelist and journalist since the age of 9. I loved to write short stories and poems. I wanted to travel world, experience other cultures, learn from their wisdom and share their stories. I wanted to BE SOMEONE. I wanted people to recognize my name. I didn’t want to be that dorky girl from high school who had a very limited social life. I wanted to be great. I was going to do it my way. Screw everyone else and their opinions. I WILL be someone.
I took my studies very seriously in both high school and university. I graduated top of my class in high school but made quite a few sacrifices to get there. I didn’t have a lot friends. I didn’t go to many parties and I was on one sports team. Most of my spare time was spent studying and finishing school projects months in advance. I was on a schedule. I ran a tight ship. Anything under an 85% was a failing mark to me. Anything under a B+ was out of the questions. I needed the marks and good grades in order to be a successful journalist. I thought I knew the characteristics. I made sure I fit in nicely with the “You can be a writer” personality checklist.I made sure of it all on my own.
After I graduated from university I applied to countless jobs and I lost track of how many interviews I did. I thought finding a job would be easy. i had a great personality. My grades were amazing. I volunteered and did a lot of charity work. Come on- who wouldn’t want m on their team? Well- everyone guess because I didn’t get a job. I stopped writing. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like I just wasted thousands of dollars and I am now in so much debt for a degree that didn’t get me anywhere. I have never been outside of Canada. I never had an article published in a magazine like Vogue or well known newspaper like the Globe and Mail. I felt like I didn’t accomplish any dreams. That everyone lied to me- I couldn’t be anyone I wanted to be. I felt lost, terrified, and my anxiety began to overpower me. That is until I found my dream job…
I always had a flair for fashion but being a model wasn’t an easy accomplishment when you feel like the ugliest person in the world in high school and I cannot sew a button on a shirt so to create full lines of clothes forget about it. I dropped fashion aside and focused more on writing. That is until now. I took a job with Reitmans as a full time sales consultant. I love my job. I get to work with amazing ladies who share fashion tips with me and we have a lot of fun. I make women feel amazing in their own bodies by helping them choose amazing outfits. I help visualize the store so that the clothing looks appealing. I LOVE my job….even dressing mannequins. Even after the “Oh but everything would look good on you because you are so skinny” replies. I LOVE MY JOB.
However…..my bank account not so much. After experiencing a bit of a pay cut from my previous job and bills piling up and a semi-expensive wedding and other things, I am broke. I am relying on my husband to pay for a lot of things and I feel the same amount of anxiety starting to build up. I am so broke, lost, frustrated and confused. I did EVERYTHING in my power to be successful so why do I feel so low?
“Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” -Galatians 6:4
So my anxiety is pretty much at its peak. I’m surprised I haven’t had a total meltdown yet. I see my life being played out by other people and it makes my skin boil. I hate how it makes me feel. I feel so ugly inside and the jealousy just won’t subside.
My little sister gets to travel around the world with her fiance and experience different cultures. She’s even doing a wedding blessing ceremony in Bali … BALI!!!!!!
My entire Bible study group is comprised of journalists who graduated from the exact same journalism program as me who worked just as hard as me to get their grades and jobs.
I found a job I love but to advance in it and make more money I will most likely have to move but I love my city and my friends are here.
My husband is paying for a lot of my bills which isn’t fair and I hate relying on people because I am supposed to be doing this on my own. I wanted to be someone. I did all the work haven’t I?! I thought life was going to be easier because high school was so crappy. What happened!?
“In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success.” -Proverbs 3:6
I know what happened. Hi God, it’s me Joanne and I am terribly sorry for putting You on the back burner. You are the reason why I studied hard and stayed away from the wrong crowd in high school. You are the reason why I worked so hard to get my scholarship to STU. You are the reason why I am lucky to be born in a first world country where females are allowed to further their education. You are the reason why I have a job in the first place and not homeless, hungry, with no shelter.
I cannot live day to day without You. It’s obvious. Relying on myself everyday to accomplish my goals will lead to failure every time because I am not seeing the miracles that You are creating in my life. I should be grateful not comparing myself to everyone else. God- help me to put You first…. I want to be successful in YOUR name NOT mine.